In the balance

I took an unintended break from blogging last week. Life just seemed so full of "to do's" and "to do right nows" that I couldn't help but ignore blogging and mostly anything creative during that time. I've been tossing around thoughts in my mind regarding how to maintain a level of creativity in the midst of the busyness and responsibility of life. I've asked myself, "Does growing up mean giving up the artistic and creative?" NO, I say a million times over. I was made to create art.

But I will admit I'm not sure how to balance them both, especially when life enters a busy phase, which our little family seems to be entering into right now. Matt is taking on some large projects in the next few months on top of a full-time job, and in an effort to minimize his stress, I'm taking on more responsibility at home, i.e. paying bills and managing the budget. These are yucky tasks, ones my brain balks at, my will digs its heels against, and my emotions insist it can't handle. (I'm obviously not one for drama, right?) But it's true. I don't love the finer points of budgeting, only the broad, sweeping strokes such as walking up to my husband and carefreely asking him, "Is there money for me to buy a new dress?" I'd simply rather not figure it out myself.

There have been tears shed and words thrown haphazardly about so as to hurt the hearers (read: former budget-handler). But I am making head way in accepting this balancing act of juggling wife-ing, mothering, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, shopping, befriending, so on and so forth. But creating art? Sitting down and typing out words in such a way that I feel fulfilled, rejuvenated, and full of purpose afterwards? Picking up my camera and snapping shots of my beautiful life around me? No. I'm no good at this balancing act. It feels like a trapeze walk, a brain-exploding act.

There has been very little photographing and writing going on lately. But I don't want to give you the impression that I've done nothing related to my artistic abilities in the last few busy weeks. That's not true. I have been busy pursuing creative outlets for the future. In fact, I have a few projects in the works, and though I've kept my lips shut before now, I think it's high time I come clean.

For starters, I'm photographing my first wedding next weekend!! The opportunity fell into my lap, and since I'd been looking to challenge my photography skills and branch out, I couldn't very well say no. It was, I believe, exactly the challenge I was looking for. As a result, I've been doing a lot of preparing, i.e. reading books, blogs, and my camera manual. The best photography resource I've found so far is the book Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson (Go get it! It's awesome!). Every time I read some of this book, I walk away gushing about how much I love photography and how well this book explains it. Just ask my husband. He'll testify to my gushing.

Secondly, I recently contacted a local arts and entertainment publication in my city, EU Jacksonville. I submitted some samples of my writing, and I've been invited to contribute a monthly column focusing on the idea of exploring the arts in Jacksonville with my child. If you read this blog regularly you'll know how much this is right up my alley! That combination of writing and pursuing an artistic life with my child in tow is something that could have me talk (or write) about for hours. And, coincidentally, I have to write my first article by April 15, the day before the wedding! So are you beginning to understand why I've felt so busy (a.k.a. strung out)?

But I have to go back to my earlier point on balance. For me, I find comfort in some truths integral to my faith. Anglican priest and writer John Newton writes this about God, "Everything is needful that He sends; nothing can be needful that He withholds." God is sending creative opportunities, and He's also sending budgeting responsibilities. I have to balance them both, not neglecting either one as they are both vital to my survival.

I'm not sure how this will go. After all, anxiety is my middle name and perfectionism my last. It's a terrible combination. A dream-stealing combination. But nevertheless, my plate is filling up, and I both love it and fear it.

I'm reminded of a fantastic HBO movie, Temple Grandin, which I recently watched. It's based on the real life of Temple Grandin, PH.D., an autistic woman who has achieved amazing success in her life in the midst of her immense struggle with autism. A reoccurring theme in the movie is doors. Throughout the film Temple struggles to convince herself to walk through the doors of opportunity that come along, and as each new door opens, she reminds herself that it is a passage to a new and better world. Clearly, she's all the better for having walked through them.

I have no idea what will come of these current opportunities in my life. But I see doors, people, and I'm walking through them.